The Truth
by Elizabeth Bells
Summary: Merlin has no choice, he must face Morgana himself. But first, not knowing if he'll make it back alive...he must tell Arthur. He must tell Arthur the truth. How will Arthur react? Who wins, Merlin or Morgana? No Slash! Some M/M. Some Character death.
1. Chapter 1

**Here it is!  
>Merlin has no choice, he must face Morgana himself. But first, not knowing if he'll make it back alive...he must tell Arthur. He must tell Arthur the truth.<strong>

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><p>I had to do it. Sooner or later he had to find out; I decided I'd like it to come from me.<p>

"My lord?" I started but I stopped. He was at his desk, looking over some papers.

"What is it Merlin?" he asked, trying to sound annoyed with me. But in his tired state I could see through it. I was his friend, though I wondered if he'd ever really acknowledge me as anything other than a useless and horrible servant. If he really thought I was that bad, I wouldn't have been still around.

"Do you mind if we talk?" I asked biting my lip.

"About what?" he rolled his eyes as though I had just asked the world of him.

"Well," I walked over at sat at the edge of his bed so that I was facing him. "You know that I'm a good person right?"

"What?" Arthur snapped at me. "I am busy Merlin. If you're going to ask me stupid questions—"

"This is important, okay?" I told him roughly. "You will hear what I have to say!"

Arthur was taken aback by my tone of voice. He leaned back in his chair and raised an eyebrow at me. "What is this about?"

"Promise me, that no matter what I say, you will listen to the end," I commanded him.

He looked me in the eye and it registered in him how serious it was. He was confused and intrigued. "Go on," he urged me.

"You know I'm a loyal servant, you know I'd never do anything bad right?" it almost sounded childish coming from my mouth, searching for reassurance.

"Of course I know that Merlin," Arthur's eyebrows furrowed, "I'd trust you with my life."

"I have saved your life more times than I can count. I have saved your life, your father's life and all of Camelot on several occasions. I don't care about not receiving the glory either but I need you to know the truth," I began quickly until my voice began to slow. "I hope you understand. I can't change who I am. I wouldn't if I could either."

"What are you going on about?" Arthur asked shaking his head.

"Arthur…I'm a sorcerer."

"What?" Arthur snorted. "No you aren't!"

"I am."

"You aren't," he pushed.

"NO seriously Arthur," I told him, "I am."

"Aren't."

"Am."

"Aren't."

"Am!"

"Knock it off Merlin! It isn't funny," Arthur roared at him. "Just stop."

"Arthur, I know it's hard to believe but I'm telling the truth," I said slowly.

"Merlin, I'm not stupid. You, a serving boy, an evil sorcerer?" Arthur let out a bellow of laughter.

I clenched my teeth angrily. Very slowly, I held out my hand and produced a small little flame in it that shone blue and purple. "Not all sorcerers are evil Arthur! I am a sorcerer, King Arthur Pendragon. You will acknowledge this!" I felt my eyes stop glowing and I looked back over at him.

His jaw was hanging open, his eyes were wide and he was staring right at me.

"I don't—I can't believe this. I won't believe this," Arthur said nearly trembling his hand rested on the hilt of his sword. "I will not believe that my best friend—that _you lied_ to me after all these years. That you were really one of the very enemies I was trying to rid to world of." It was all but a whisper and it made my eyes drop away from his face.

All hope I held was gone. Arthurs words had condemned me.

"What would you have had me do?" I asked him. "Turn myself in to your oh-so-understanding and merciful Father? Tell you, his son? You were my best friend too Arthur, I lied so that I could live and protect you. Now…I can't lie anymore, even if that means that…" But I couldn't continue. My voice broke under the strain and that was how we stood.

I stared at the floor, he stared at me. Silence.

"How many times?" Arthur broke the silence.

"What?" I asked looking up, not hiding the tears that streaked my face.

"How many times have you saved my life using magic and taken no credit?" he asked with an equally watery face. "Answer me!"

"I don't know," I sobbed shaking my head.

"Where did you learn?"

"I was born with it," I promptly replied shutting my eyes, unable to look at him. "It wasn't something I learned. I couldn't help it."

"Why do you tell me this now?" Arthur demanded.

"Because I am going away now. Even if you try to stop me, I will escape. I will go and find Morgana, and I will kill her and then I will return for my exile."

"You're going to face Morgana?" Arthur asked and I nearly smiled. The sound in his voice, this disbelieving, underestimating tone was there…and perhaps….concern?

"I am the most powerful sorcerer that has or ever will live Arthur," I told him opening my eyes. "I will do whatever it takes to save you and Camelot."

"You would return to die?" Arthur asked him in disbelief.

"If I survive…I've put my life out to save you so many times Arthur, by now it's just second nature," I told him jokingly, opening my eyes and smiling.

"I don't see what's funny about this. I should call the guards and have you arrested," Arthur barked at me, turning to face the window so he couldn't see his face.

"I've told you already Arthur," I replied. "I have a mission. But I'll be back."

"Why?"

The question hung in the air for a moment as I blinked in surprise.

"Why what?" I finally asked.

"Why do you want to put your life on the line for me yet again? My father did nothing but persecute your people. Why would you care if I lived or died?"

"You are my closet friend Arthur. But before….I saved you because I hoped that someday, you would change things for my kind. I was told that my destiny was linked to yours, that we were connected."

"And now?" Arthur asked me and I wished I could see his face. "Do you still believe I could change things for those of magic?"

"Yeah," I grinned at myself. "I never stopped believing."

"Well then," Arthur faced me once more his eyes staring into mine. "Do what you must and then come back. You were right Merlin, I can't stop you. But when you return….

I cringed and thought of burning, the fire that scared me so.

"We have much to discuss."

I stared at his face that smiled at me. I shook my head unsure of what I would find when I came home. But there was one thing I was sure of, Arthur knew the truth now, and yet his eyes looked at him the same they always had. Like the silly, incompetent, best friend: Merlin.

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><p><strong>Let me know what you think! 3<strong>


	2. Chapter 2

**And I'm back! Aren't I awesome for fast updates? I think I'll make this a really short story, but here comes a big fight! BUm BUM BUM!**

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><p>I wanted to stay like that forever, him knowing the truth, looking at me as though nothing had changed. But everything had changed, even if he wanted to pretend differently.<p>

"I'll be going now," I told him with a deep breath.

"You'll be back?" Arthur asked again. I knew he doubted me. He'd always suspected me of being a coward. But now he knew that not to be true. I wouldn't let him forget it.

"I suppose," I replied. "That is, if I survive."

I studied the emotions on Arthur's face. He looked conflicted. "I want to tell you what I'm going to do. But I don't know. If you come…back alive. Would I kill you? Would I spare your life?"

"You will do what you must do," I told him slowly, hiding the pain. "As I must."

"Do try not to get yourself killed, Merlin," he joked and I grinned.

"I can't promise you anything," I joked back but both of our smiles disappeared.

"Merlin, what, may I ask, did you think I was going to do?" Arthur asked me and all I could do was stare.

I didn't have an answer. I had barely gotten the nerve to tell him, less think beyond that. What did I think he was going to do? Hang me? Burn me at the stake? Forgive me for my lies?

"I don't know, Arthur," I answered honestly. "I guess I wasn't thinking about telling you, King Arthur, but of telling Arthur Pendragon, my friend. I just wanted you to know the truth. I suppose it's because I know that no matter what decision you reach,when I end things with Morgana, you and Camelot will be safe. You would no longer need my protection."

At this, Arthur turned away again. "Then do what you must do. And know that my decision won't be as Arthur Pendragon your friend, but as King Arthur of Camelot. Know that whatever I must do, I do for my kingdom."

"Does that mean that you've made your decision?" I couldn't help but ask.

"Yeah," he answered. "I have."

Death to the sorcerer. Death to Merlin. Death to Arthur's manservant. Death to me.

"It's okay, Arthur," I told him, smiling in reassurance. "You must do what is right for your Kingdom."

A pause. A heartbeat of a moment where I could have sworn he was going to cry, but the moment ended and I took a deep breath.

Words, they came to me as though I had said them a thousand times. I felt my eyes glow, my weight lift and suddenly I was no longer in the room of Arthur Pendragon, but instead, standing outside a small hut. Morgana.

I shuddered with anticipation. I knew what was about to happen. Again, the muttering began and the aging spell was set. I could feel the white hairs hanging down from my face.

I raised my voice, slowly and strong. "Morgana Pendragon!"

There was a crash. She'd dropped something inside. Then footsteps, slow and heavy. The door opened, creaking as it went. And out stepped a beautiful girl, with long black curls and eyes that fought back her fear.

Upon seeing me she stopped. Lifted her head as if she was about to laugh and smirked a crooked smile. "Emrys! How good of you to come!"

"This ends today, Morgana," I told her in my deep, aged voice. "I can no longer ignore the evil you have committed."

"Good," she laughed in a shrill laugh, "I look forward to it, old man!"

I missed the Morgana, the one that smiled and laughed kindly. The one that was my friend. But here and now, I couldn't turn back.

"Only a fool looks forward to death," I replied with a shake of my head.

"Oh, but your death will be so lovely," she grinned evilly.

We began to circle each other slowly, waiting for the inevitable.

"Emrys," she said in a mocking tone, "I do wonder why you do what you do. I only want to bring sorcery back to Camelot, I want to bring freedom to our kind! Why would ever want to help Arthur?"

"Freedom?" I questioned her with scrutiny. "Is that what you call killing innocents? You are no better than your father, no. You're worse. You don't wish to persecute to bring peace. You want to persecute to bring chaos and power!"

Her eyes flared with anger. She slammed her teeth tight together and glared. "I don't need to be preached to!"

"Then tell me Morgana, why you chose this path," I commanded in frustration, knowing there was little to no time left.

"Because!" she snapped back wildly. "Because I hated what I had become! I was afraid because the only people I had ever loved would kill me if they knew the truth! My brother, my father, my best friend, the man who I had learned to love! But I will get my revenge. My brother will go the same way as our father!" She cackled in anger and ecstacy.

She had loved so many, and had been betrayed by an equal amount. But it wasn't an excuse.

Her eyes lit up and I was sent whizzing through the air. I let my magic stop myself from hitting the ground hard. I steadied myself and turned to her.

"I will give you one more chance Morgana," I told her, pleaded to her, "Surrender!"

The look on my face made me stop. She looked ready to cry. She had a tight fist and a complex look in her eyes. "I want to make it all go back to the way it was, but I can't. I wouldn't either, all the lies and the…don't you dare judge me." She glowered at me and suddenly her gaze turned cold again. "First I will dispose of you, then Arthur, then Gwen and then….and then everyone else!"

I felt the disappoint swell. If only she could see that she was wrong. But she had so much hate inside, there was no turning back. With a deep breath, I began my plan.

My eyes glowed through the darkness of the night and she was surrounded by a circle of fire. I began to quickly stride towards her.

Morgana keeps a cool head, she let the fire die and held out a hand. Snakes coming sliding from her wrist towards me.

I sent them flying in all directions, not missing a step.

She put her mouth towards the sky and breathed out. Black smoke hissed from her lips. It curled towards me, whispering death in my ears.

I held my breath, but it began to sting my face. I couldn't shake the smoke. I let my eyes glow again, the magic coming at the command of my words. The smoke vanished into a trail of bubbles.

She looked furious. "I won't let you win," she said through gritted teeth. "I will be _your_ doom!"

But before Morgana could finish I began to mutter. Unlike the other times, this was a long phrase. It kept coming through my lips, as if it would never end. I kept speaking, softly so she could barely hear my mummer. I could hear as she too, began to mutter an incantation but I didn't hesitate.

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><p><strong>Please Reveiw! I will update asap if you do! I want you to! T<strong>

**hat all rhymed! I'm awesome!**


	3. Chapter 3

**You guys are going to HATE me. Oh well! I love love love love love this chapter! i'm totally making this stuff up as I go, so I hope the plot kinda sticks anyways ;) What's the plot? I have no idea.**

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><p>Morgana was my friend, my enemy, the love my life and the one I had to kill. She was my reason for breathing, to bring her down. She was something special to me, and that's why it killed me to see the aftermath of the fight.<p>

I was leaning against a tree for support. Each movement was strained, and I could feel my heart pounding. No sound rang through the desecrated forest. Not an animal stirred in the darkness, nor did the wind blow. Sunshine was beginning to pour over the hills slightly, bringing light to the disaster zone. And I could do little more than stare at its great mess.

Blood was spattered across the ground; trees were knocked over; ash, ice, and black flames covered the ground. Magic resonated in the air, used for the purpose of mass destruction. It was a horrid site. I could see the left over's of my spells, cast uselessly on the ground. Her spells also, littering the forest floor. The view made me sick to my stomach. But the true terror was the person that lay on the ground across a ways, whose eyes were locked to mine.

We sat like that, neither breaking eye contact, both so tired that we could no longer move. Morgana was a bloody mess, a worse state than I was. She looked worn and tired, dirty and sweaty. Nearly all her magic was drained, she was struggling to breathe.

"I guess I knew it would end like this," she said through cracked lips. Her eyes had lost the angry gleam and now we were just waiting for the end to come. "But I always imagined that I'd take you down with me."

"Then it should please you," I told her slowly, knowing it might bring her happiness and in her last moments, no matter how much it pained me, I wanted her some happiness, "to know that I will be turning myself in to King Arthur."

She sneered at me in disbelief. "Why?"

"I'm done hiding, done lying, done living," I told her though the smoke. It stung my eyes in its fury.

"Well," she said gasping for a breath again, "You should know that it does bring me such joy."

I knew it would. The death of the man who had brought her down would indeed be something worth it for her. She was barely the shadow of the girl, happy and kind, who I had once known. So eager to help her friends, so ready to fix the world. Now, only destruction of it would satisfy the hunger for power.

"I am glad that with you dead, they will know pain," she said. She had to stop, a fit of coughing overcame her. "Arthur will execute you, as my father would have done. He will look you in the eyes as you take your last breath, as you will me. And then when you are gone, it will haunt him for the rest of his life. It will haunt Gwen, who'll never get her love back because forever he will remember the injustice he made."

I didn't understand what she was saying, though I was sure that for the rest of my life I would replay those words. I slowly stood, limping towards her. I reached into my pocket as I did, feeling for the potion. I ripped off the cap and threw back the liquid into my mouth. As I staggered forward, the old age was lifted.

Morgana faced me, as I hovered over her and her eyes turned dark in disbelief and then grief. "No! No, you can't be!"

"I'm sorry," I admitted.

"Merlin?" she said my name like it was a curse, or it was fragile. "No, you're deceiving me!"

"Morgana," I told her slowly. "I couldn't tell you. I was…you were..."

"I thought," she stopped talking and she began to tear up. "How could you?"

I'd never seen her like this. She looked so confused, and perhaps afraid. I squatted down next to her, feeling the pain in her eyes. I had known it would end like this, but it didn't make it any easier.

I grabbed her hands, holding her in my arms. "I'm sorry," I told her again. "Gaius said I shouldn't tell you, but I had to help. So I sent you to the Druids. After time, you seemed better. I was happy, I was going tell you everything," I cut off, weeping like a fool.

"You could have helped me," she stuttered though tears and blood. "I was afraid. All I needed was someone to tell me I wasn't a freak! And then my sister….

"When I knew that either you had to die or the spell had to be broken," I explained. "So I…I"

"I thought you did that because I was a sorceress," she wiped away a tear. "And I hated you for that. For believing I was a monster. And so I put you on my list as well. You, my father, my brother, my best friend. I would kill you all. I wanted revenge for everything."

"You got your revenge," I told her. "Uther is dead, Arthur will have to kill his best friend and I…I will die at the stake."

"No," she shook her head. "Don't!" It was almost comforting, knowing that in her last seconds, she wanted me alive. But it could not erase such horrors as she had done. I had made my fair share of mistakes, she had made evil acts. I had convinced myself there was a difference. But lying there, with her in my arms for the first and last time, I was no longer sure.

"I made my choice. Just like you made yours."

"I know it was wrong, but I don't regret anything I did."

"I know," I told her through a shaky breath. "I wish you did." I wished that she regretted everything she had done. I wished that I could reach down and magic her better. But she had traveled down a path of no return, and she was beyond healing now. She would die. There in my arms.

"I wish I did too. Maybe if things would have been different. If I hadn't been a Pendragon, if neither of us were of magic, we could have been together. But victims of fate. You are my enemy Merlin. Until the moment I die. But I will always love you too," she said with her last breathe, staring into my eyes.

"I love you too," I told her with a sob. And that was how it happened, in my arms with my tears and my blood mixing with hers. The beautiful light in her eyes went out. Suddenly Dead, was Morgana Pendragon, the most powerful sorceress that ever existed, in the arms of the soon to be dead Merlin, the great Emrys , the most powerful sorcerer that ever existed.

I shut my eyes as finally, the sun hit the top of the sky, where light rained down from the heavens. And then, opened them again, to watch it descend once more. I hadn't even been aware time was passing. I'd spent an entire day with the dead and mangled body in my arms, weeping in despair.

I had won. And I had lost. That was always how it was. But in my defeats and victories, others would enjoy freedoms and happiness. I would always be a sacrifice, the victim of fate. As was Morgana, now dead. Her memory swept through me, and try as I might, the evil look in her eyes would not surface my brain. Instead, only happy memories of a happy Morgana replayed in my subconscious.

This did not help and down flew the tears even as my lips turned to smile.

Eventually, night came, and I stood. I buried her body in the dead of night, with the whispers of the wind as my only company. And when magic had piled the dirt back on her grave, I let a single rose lay on the dirt pile. One last tear fell from my face as I said her name out loud one last time, "Good bye Morgana Pendragon."

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><p><strong>: ' ( ik. SAD! What will happen next? Good question. I have no idea. LET ME KNOW WHAT U THINK! THANKS!<strong>


	4. Chapter 4

**Why don't u guys review? :( I know this isn't stellar but I update alot and I try! I mean come on! PLEASE! Reviewers get cookies! **

**Okay, prepare for more depressing things...possibly more death. Better read to find out.**

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><p>New light was streaming from the sky as I made my way back to the castle. I had a cloak on, hiding my bloody and dirty clothes beneath it.<p>

With heavy footsteps I found myself at the castle doors. I wondered if I was doing the right thing. Morgana was right; Arthur would never be the same after this. He would look me in my eyes as I took my last breath, and he would watch his best friend die by his own order.

I'd already decided what I would say as my last words. **_Arthur it's okay, I forgive you._**

But on I went, through the turns of the castle court yard until I was passing the turn that would lead me back to Gaius's. I kept walking. Up I went, the cobblestone steps ringing from my every footstep. Shadows of uncertainty and fear lingered over me, but still I kept going.

I didn't see the faces of the people I passed. Young children, women and men. They were safe now, and that was all that mattered.

Soon I was at the throne room, the guards didn't move at my approach, to them I was still Merlin the clumsy, stupid, servant boy. The stepped aside to let me in.

"Where have you been Merlin?" one asked me kindly.

"Saving Camelot," I told seriously, but I was passing him now and he could not see the straight face I wore.

"Of course you were!" he bellowed out laughter. "Well, good to have you back then!"

"Thanks," I replied, struggling not to break down.

I opened the door, and there was Arthur just as I knew he would be. Sitting in his throne, staring at the door, waiting, perhaps hoping I would walk through it.

The moment he saw me, his eyes flashed and he jumped from his chair. I threw back my hood, revealing my face. I watched him wince at my dirty face, as if it wasn't right.

Silence. I had learned to hate silence. We both knew what was coming; prolonging it would only make me suffer more.

"The witch. She's dead?" he asked. He couldn't bear to say her name either. I wasn't sure if he doubted me or was just looking for confirmation. He looked over at me, stepping forward he stopped in front of me.

I couldn't meet his eyes as the memories of Morgana filled me. With a heavy heart I replied, "It is done. I did it. I won. Everyone is safe," I managed to mumble out before exhaustion took over. My legs gave out from under me and I prepared for impact as I fell towards the ground. But the hit never came.

**I was in so much pain, it fired through my whole body. I clenched my teeth to hold back screams of pain. My eyes shot open only to be blinded by light.**

_"Merlin! Merlin, can you hear me?" Gaius was shouting. _

**I tried to answer, but all that came out was a scream. My scream rang through the room. All the pain that I had subdued was now taking over. Every inch of my body was crying out. I lost consciousness again.**

_"Merlin!" Arthur shouted, he was there too. "Damn it! Gaius, can't you do something!"_

_"Arthur," Gaius snapped at him. "His body is weak from the duel. He over used his magic, his body couldn't take it. That, with Morgana's attacks, he's lucky he even made it to Camelot!"_

_"I never should have let him go!" Arthur cried. I could hear him pacing, but I couldn't open my eyes again. I couldn't move, couldn't speak. I didn't have the energy._

_"Not the time for that Arthur," Gaius said loudly. _**I knew he was leaning over me.**

**Time passed me by. I was motionless now. The pain was built up, agonizingly, but I couldn't move, couldn't shout. I was left alone in a darkness with my pain and my mind.**

_Don't let go. Don't let go. Please, don't let go._

**Don't let go? Why would I hang on? So he could kill me in front of Camelot? Why would I want any more pain? Hadn't I hurt enough on your account Arthur? Hadn't I done enough?**

**No. I would not hold on. I would let go, I would die. It was better that way. Arthur would not feel the guilt and Morgana would have gotten her revenge. It was all what everyone wanted.**

_"Merlin?" someone muttered. Someone was there again, talking to me. "It's Elyan . Please, hang in there. I don't care what you are. It's who you are. You're Merlin, by friend. Hang in there."_

_"Merlin, no matter what happens," Gwaine said loudly, "You made one hell of a stew."_

From Gwaine, that was practically I love you. I wished I could sit up, tell them I couldn't do it. I couldn't fight to stay alive, just to die at my best friend's hand.

Time passed again. The nights were gone, each after telling me to hang in there. But I couldn't.

_"Please," someone stuttered a cry, "Fight for you, Merlin. You've fought for Arthur, for Camelot, for your friends, please, just for once. Fight for yourself Merlin."_

**I knew that voice. It was my mother. **

**NO. I couldn't I wouldn't hold on, not even for her. She claimed it was for me but I had no reason to. I had lived to protect Camelot and Arthur. They were safe now. I didn't want to live. I would be happy to die, happy to give it all up. I wanted this. I needed this. I wished they understood. But I was done. I had finally completed the mission.**

**Another day went by at least. I was unconscious for most of the time, but aware at certain moments. I would suddenly hear Gaius crying, treating my wounds. Or Arthur pacing around the room. Or my mother, stroking my forehead and begging me not to go. Still I couldn't move, couldn't open my eyes, couldn't tell them just to accept my parting.**

**I could feel myself slipping farther and farther away. I was awake less often. I spent most of my time, staring at dark nothingness, wondering how much longer I had to endure.**

**It finally came to a time when I never woke, I only lay there, practically dead in Gaius's home. Still he hoped, most had given up. I just waited in my dreams, for the colors to go out, to take my last breath. I was actually sad. Morgana was wrong, I would not look into Arthur's eyes as I took my last breath.**

**But finally, I woke up again. I tried to open my heavy eyes, but I couldn't. I tried to open my dry mouth, but I couldn't. I tried to move my sore arm, but I couldn't. I wanted to die. I wanted it to end right then and there. I didn't want to live any longer. I had given up. **

**Suddenly, I was aware someone was next to me.**

_"Merlin?" the voice cried to me. "If you can hear me…I'm so sorry. I know that when you left, we'd decided that…I'd decided that I was best to abide by laws my father set. But while you were gone, I knew I couldn't kill you. So when you would arrive home, I would give you supplies and make you run away. But Merlin, after all this time, you just dying away and me doing nothing but watch. I can't stand it. I miss you. I know I could never send away my best friend. So now, I ask you to do me a favor I don't deserve. Please stay here Merlin. For me? For Camelot? For yourself? Because I am so sorry. I made mistakes Merlin. I know you hate me. I don't blame you. But I don't want you to die hating me. Please, forgive me for I am so sorry!" I could hear him crying. Gasping for breath. The King of Camelot, crying over the dying sorcerer?_

**_Arthur, it's okay. I forgive you._**

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><p><strong><em>Listen to me now Fanfictioners as I tell you! I don't know if anyone likes this cuz no one is reviewing so I'll tell you now! <em>**

**_I WON'T UPDATE IF U DON'T REVIEW! I MEAN IT! _**

**_I WANT ENOUGH SO I KNOW PPL WANT MORE! or I'll lose interest and stop writing. So seriously, pls review!_ **

**Is Merlin dead? Will Arthur commit suicide? Will there be penguins? Better find out in the next chapter!**


	5. Chapter 5

**Hi again! So, here we are with chapter 5...I just finished writing it so I thought I'd better hurry and publish it. It's early cuz I threatened u guys so I thought maybe if I updated faster...I'd make up for it?**

Okay, so after the flood of reviews, I decided I better update :D I love u all! Thank u so much for reviewing...please do it again!

**Ik some ppl are mad that I did that. They say I can just look at the story traffic to see how many read it etc. But here's the thing. I wasn't sure if anyone was enjoying as much as I was. I love this story and I was so depressed that not many ppl had suggest they were more than 'slightly intrested' I mean I've been dieing to write this. But if no one else wanted it, i'd just keep it to myself...u know what I mean? I write mostly original stuff, and I keep it all to myself. Like I don't let other ppl read it. Fanfiction is the only written work I share so I really love love love feedback. And I'm so glad u guys like this!**

Sorry for anyone who got ticked off that I held it 'hostage XD but it worked. and I'm so glad I did it. Turns out, lots of ppl like this! I 'm so happy! So I updated at my usual awesome supser speed! I wouldn't actually have stopped updating...it was an empty threat. I probably just would have waited a few extra days before updating.

**ANSWERS:**

**"Did Merin say the last line out loud?" NO.**

**"Where is Gwen?" Well...um...I kinda have this thing thats gunna happen but...its kinda complicated...you'll see.**

**"Will I put more Gwaine in the story?" Maybe.**

_Thank you to anyone that realized Merlin's last words that he was planning was brought in again at the end!_

_To the ppl who were reviewing this story anyway, I love u. U get extra cookies. With christmas frosting!_

**Now, I got to tell you the truth. I have this horrible habit of having a great story until the end and then like the last chapter sucks. Sorry! I'll try to write it really awesome but past experieces tell me no one but me, ever likes me last chapters of fanfics! SORRY! But the last chapter is in works now so... :)**

**Now, after that long Author note:**

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><p><strong><em>Arthur, it's okay. I forgive you.<em>**

**_I wanted to tell him so bad. Tell him that it was okay, but I couldn't. I couldn't move, couldn't speak, couldn't open my eyes to see the tears that I knew were streaming down the King's face._**

**_Down fell King Arthurs walls. There wept Arthur Pendragon, my best friend._**

_ "You won. You beat her, you saved us all," he told me, sniffling loudly. "And yet, you've lost haven't you?" Arthur asked, sympathy shone through his voice like light through a window. "You loved her didn't you?"_

**I really did. Long ago…and maybe just moments before she….and now forever in my heart. She didn't regret anything she did though. It doesn't matter anymore.**

_"I wish I knew if you could hear me," Arthur muttered._

**I can. I wanted to tell him. But I couldn't. I could not save King Arthur again. This had to be my end. But you weren't going to kill me. I suppose that should be some comfort. **

**You want me to stay here in Camelot. But what could I do? Return as your servant? We both know that I am so powerful, that we couldn't pretend I was just a servant now. **

**I couldn't imagine being away from Camelot. I no longer serve any purpose, oh if you could see Arthur!**

_"Gaius told me," Arthur still continued rambling through choked sobs. "About everything you did for me. Every time you saved my life, every time you took no glory for yourself. He told me that we were different sides of the same coin. That can't be if you're dead."_

**Arthur, you'll do fine without me. I've left you in good hands. **

_"And Gwen and I…we're to be married next month. Without you, who's going to be the best man?" _

**Arthur. I waited years to hear your gratitude for everything I've done. But how could I possibly return to the world we lived in, if I can't get her out of my head. **

**Morgana will be on my heart for the rest of my life. I can't stop thinking about her damn smile. Her real smile. I killed her. I don't regret it. But I can't live in that world anymore. I've lost the will to live.**

_"Merlin, if you can hear me," Arthur stopped his crying. I could hear the breathing come under control and up went King Arthur's walls again. "Remember that I expect you to make a full recovery. Don't you dare disappoint me Merlin."_

**I had to. I wasn't strong enough but I would find the strength. I heard his footsteps beginning to leave. No. I dug deep from everything I had left.**

"Arthur," I said in a gasp. "Can't you just let me go?" I asked him with a sob. I could barely get my eyes to open, but I shifted myself so I could see the face running towards me.

"Merlin!" he cried, leaping to my side. "No I can't let go. Don't you dare leave me Merlin!"

"I can't hold on, Arthur," I told him slowly, each word agony that burned from my mouth. "I can't live like this. I'm so tired of playing hero, I just want to let go."

"No," he told me firmly. "This time, I will be the hero. I will save you Merlin. I won't let you die. You're my best friend, my most trusted ally. Please, don't leave me. I'm sorry I caused you so much pain. I'm so sorry! I understand why you would hate me but—"

"I don't hate you. Arthur it's okay," I told him, preparing my last breath to the world. "I forgive you." I was ready to let go. Ready to die right then and there.

But then he said something that I hadn't counted on. With anger in his eyes and fear he spoke to me with all the feelings he held inside. "If you let go of life now Merlin…I will never forgive you."

I stared at him. He glared back at me. His hand was on my shoulder, forcing me to stare into his eyes.

I shook my head. I wanted to break down and cry, but I didn't have any tears left. I couldn't believe him. "You'd let me die, hating me for it?" I asked him. My breathing wasn't steady. I couldn't even hold myself up.

"Damn right," he said with a stiff nod. "Don't you dare leave me Merlin. Don't you dare. You are not going to die. That's an order."

I shut my eyes, disbelief running through me. "Does it really matter all that much to you Arthur. I'm just one man."

"You're Merlin, you're like my brother," Arthur said his bottom lip quivering. "I want you at my wedding, and to be an uncle to my children, to bring magic back to Camelot and to help those who need it. I need you alive Merlin. Don't you dare die on me. Not now, not when I need you the most."

I had been wrong. All this time I had thought I was done, that I had fulfilled my duty to Camelot. It appeared I hadn't.

"Why do you always have to make things so hard Arthur?" I asked him. "I'm so tired, my whole body feels like it's on fire and the last time I was awake has been…"

"Three weeks," Arthur supplied. "Three whole bloody weeks of fearing I'd never hear you again! Gaius said it was like you'd lost all will to live. He was a mess Merlin."

"Three weeks then, and I'm so ready to give up. But you won't let go," I told him with distress in my voice. "You'll learn to let go Arthur."

**I'll fight for Camelot, for you, Gwen, Gwaine, Percival, Gaius, my mother, everyone. I'll fight for myself.**

**He lied me back down and my heavy eyelids shut. I took one long rest before I clung to life. I took what little magic I had and began to heal myself from the inside out. **

**For Arthur.**

**For Camelot.**

**For my friends.**

**For my family.**

**For myself. **

**For Morgana. If for no one else. Morgana had wanted me alive when she died. I'd respect her last wish.**

**Arthur didn't know what I had chosen, didn't know if I had chosen to fight for my life or not. But I wouldn't disappoint. **

When I awoke next, the burning sensation in my body had left. I sat up, feeling tired and weak, but better. "Gaius?" my voice cracked.

Gaius looked up from a book and jumped across the room. His eyes wide with tears, his arms swung around me. "Don't scare me like that ever again!"

"I'm sorry," I told him through tears. "I'm sorry."

A few hours went by. I had a small bowl of stew handed to me and I ate slowly. "Do they know I'm awake yet?" I asked Gaius.

"No," he said stiffly. "They barely leave you when you're asleep and you need more rest." He had been so worried and I felt bad for that. But I had been ready. Stuborn Arthur, stupid prat, always got his way didn't he? I smiled to myself. Well, at least I did it.

"Gaius," I told him seriously and firmly. "Tomorrow I get to tell everyone I'm better."

"Fine," he agreed. "But no visitors until then."

"What will you tell them?" I asked with a raised eyebrow.

"That your condition is not allowing for visitors now," he said simply.

"They'll think I'm dead," I replied unhappily.

"Your mother burst into tears when I told her that," Gaius nodded. "But I told her that you hadn't moved on yet. I don't think she believed me."

"But tomorrow everything will be okay...I am tired," I told him, sitting back in my bed. "So very tired." I yawned. My body was numb at the moment, still tingling as he healed itself. "Gaius," I asked him quietly, "Has Gwen come to visit at all? I don't remember her coming..."

But I was asleep before I ever got a reply.

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><p><strong>I know. BIg disapointment because there isn't any penguins but on the bright side...Merlin is alive!<strong>

**PLEASE REVIEW! But I won't hold it hostage. I'm thinking one to two chapters left. I promise I'll try not to suspend u anymore. TRY.**

**So, how do u want it to end? We'll all find out together won't we? :D Thanks guys for reading this story...it means alot.**


	6. Chapter 6

**Hey! Hope u like it, tho its was a bit depressing to write. Poor Merlin, just when u think everything is going to b alright. **

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><p>I awoke to an empty room. The fire before me roared to warm my body. All the pain was gone. It was as if I was renewed of strength. I sat up, swinging my feet off the cot before the fireplace. I'd been sleeping in Gaius's bed and he'd been sleeping in mine.<p>

I wandered around the room, taking in everything I saw. It was as if I'd die and come back to life.

There were a few people I needed to see. One person I needed to talk to right away. I reached and picked up a cloak, pulling the hood up to hide my face. With a glance back in the lightly lit room, I scurried out the door.

I made my way through the streets of Camelot. Things were just like I had remembered them. Nothing had changed over the three weeks I'd been out. People bustled around me like they always did, busy lives.

I came upon a road that I had walked a thousand times, step after step I walked it. I was going to make my way to Arthur, but I stopped. I turned to slowly make my way to the training yard.

"Merlin?" someone shouted. Then there was a rush my way. "Merlin!"

I was instantly surrounded by the Knights of Camelot. Gwaine, Percival, Elyn, and the rest of Camelot's finest were crowding me.

"You had us all worried there for a bit," Percival slapped my shoulder lightly.

"Yeah," Gwaine agreed, "Who'd make the food when we went on adventures of you were dead?"

"Is all you can think of food?" I asked him with a chuckle.

"Well it's a real relief knowing you aren't completely useless," Elyn joked. "A sorcerer. I never would have guessed."

"Well I'm glad it doesn't make a difference to you guys, I wouldn't blame you if you were angry at me for lying," I told them honestly.

Gwaine shrugged. "Things have been weird since you got sick Merlin," he told me shaking his head. "Princess has been a real sore in the backside always worrying."

"Have you been up to see Arthur yet?" Elyn asked suddenly.

"No, next stop and then Gwen and then…." But I trailed off when I saw their faces. They exchanged a glance of something I didn't recognize. "What?"

"Nothing," Percival said giving me a smile. "We're just all happy to have you back."

I didn't believe him but I nodded, smiling. "Thanks guys, it's good to be back."

I turned away from the knights after a few moments and waved back. I headed up the stairs and down familiar hallways. It was like I'd never left. And then I rounded a corner to nearly be plowed over by a tall blond looking very excited.

"Sorry," Arthur muttered, not even looking at me, he stumbled but began to rush past me in a hurry.

"Where are you going Arthur?" I asked him bewildered. Arthur paused, glancing back with wide eyes.

"Merlin!" He jumped back over towards me, with a smile. We hugged and he began to explain. "I saw you from the window with the knights and I was coming down to see you."

"How've you been Arthur?" I asked.

He frowned. "Not so good. Things have just been horrible since you've been gone. No one can clean my things as fast as you can." He smiled to show he was joking. "It's good to have you back Merlin."

"So what is going to happen now?" I asked him. "You still want me to be your manservant?"

Arthur looked at me funny. "You want to be?"

"Not particularly," I replied with a grin.

"Good, because I'm getting married soon!" Arthur declared. "And I'll only need you some of the times then. Meanwhile I think I have a new job for you."

"Really?" I asked raising an eyebrow. "How bad is it?"

"I think you'll like it," Arthur smiled. "Until then, you'll need to get fitted for clothing you can wear at the wedding."

"Yeah," I chuckled. "How's Gwen? I was going to go visit her now."

Arthur's smile dissipated. "About that, Merlin…Gwen…she's not doing the best."

"Worried about me was she?" I smiled. "Well I'll go see her right away then. Don't worry, I'll come back later to answer all your questions okay?" But I didn't wait for him to answer, I just turned and sped away. I ignored him as he called out to me.

"Wait! Merlin don't! Merlin she's—" But I never did know what he was going to say. I made my way quickly out of the castle, and down into the streets of Camelot. I found a familiar house and got to the door. I heavily rapped at the wood door.

No answer.

"Gwen?" I called lightly, opening the door and stepping in.

Something shattered on the ground to my right. I whirled in surprise, ready for an attack but instead, there stood Gwen.

Her hands hung down, a pot was on the ground from where it had slipped from her hands. She had wide eyes as she stared at me. Her whole demeanor had changed. She took a slow step backwards. Another step, another step, her back hit the wall.

"Gwen?" I beamed at her, but it slowly slipped away.

Gwen just stood there, staring at me in horror. Her hands trembled as she tucked a few strands of hair behind her ear. Her breathing became labored as she stood there.

"Gwen what's wrong?" I asked, stepping towards her. I stopped moving when Gwen flinched against the wall. I watched her with worry. "Gwen are you okay? It's just me, Merlin…."

Gwen straightened herself, smiling slightly. "Yeah, of course, it's good to see you better Merlin."

I didn't buy it. She stood there, smiling a fake smile at me as if everything was okay. Her hands still trembled at her side. She still watched me wearily.

"Gwen what is it?" I took another step forward and she involuntarily flinched away from me. "Are you…scared?" I asked her disbelief. She didn't answer me. "Gwen, it's still just me Merlin, just your friend Merlin."

She stood smiling at me for a moment, but then the mask slipped and a frown took it's place. "You're a sorcerer," she said with new found venom in her voice. "You are no friend of mine." She'd given up her charade that hadn't been very effective.

It hurt. It was as if she had stabbed me through the chest. "Look, I understand you'd be mad I didn't tell you but—"

"Don't," she spat at me. "You're no better than Morgana. I could never trust a sorcerer again."

"You knew before she left?" I asked softly.

"Of course I knew she was a sorceress. But she was my friend, how could she be evil? So I didn't say anything to anyone. And she betrayed me anyway," Gwen said, fighting back tears. "The witch got what she deserved. I won't trust another sorcerer ever again , especially you."

"How can you say that?" I asked in distress. "You know me Gwen!"

"Do I?" she shouted, "You couldn't tell me truth. You didn't trust me. But you want me to trust you? I bet you didn't really kill Morgana either! You're all a bunch of lying devils!"

"So what…you were hoping I'd die?" I asked her slowly. I couldn't meet her eyes any longer. "Does Arthur know?"

"I tell Arthur everything," she spat. "Unlike some people I don't deceive my friends. Then again, we were never really friends were we?"

"So that's why I never heard you?" I asked staring at the floor. "Because you hate me, you fear me? Gwen I can't believe you. If I'd told you, would it have made a difference?"

"Probably not," she admitted. "I could never trust a sorcerer."

Silence. Oh bitter angry silence. I wanted to scream, just to break it.

"I thought you were my friend," I told her, anger, betrayal, resentment.

And then she began to tear up. "I thought so too."

"What can I do to prove to you that I'm not evil?" I asked her, shaking my head.

"You can't," she said. "I'm sorry Merlin. I want to believe you are who I always thought you were. But fool me once, shame on you…fool me twice, shame on me."

"I'm not like that Gwen!" I told her, taking her shoulders in my hands, forcing her to look me in the eyes.

"My best friend tried to kill me, she was a sorceress. My father was killed because of a sorcerer. I will not go the same way," she said through a shaky sob. "Just leave Merlin."

"Gwen, please—"

"Just leave me alone!"

I released her shoulders, stepping back. I stared at her before walking to the door and throwing up my hood. I turned back once to look at her again. "I'm sorry Gwen. For your father, for your betrayal from Morgana, for everything. But I'm not like that. I'm still clumsy Merlin. I'm still your friend." I threw open the door and stepped out quickly.

It hurt, almost as much as the pain I had felt before I had gone unconscious. Gwen had been my first real friend in Camelot. Now she hated me, was afraid of me, of what I was.

Feeling numb, I made my way back home. It felt like I was five times my age yet no spell was placed upon me.

Gwen. From the first time I met her, to now….she'd always been one the best and loyalist friends I had ever had. It was amazing to think that I had lost her now.

I got home, ignoring Gaius's sympathetic stare. He knew I had gone to see her.

I pushed through the door to my room and crawled into bed feeling terrible. I pulled up the covers to my chin with a vow.

**I would make Gwen see me for who I was. I would have my friend back.**

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><p><strong>Ik. how could I? With great difficuly. On the plus side, Gwaine appearance!<strong>

**I'll try to fit in another update b4 chirstmas! maybe 2...we'll see. Aren't I just awesome for quick updates tho? I mean wow...I have no life.**

**BTW! For the writers out there who love to write original stuff, is great and my latest obsession. Look me up and msg me...same name. Elizabeth Bells **


	7. Chapter 7 and the End

**Sorry I took so long to update! I was so busy over my break that i hadn't a chance to get on my computer! But here it is, I hope you like it!**

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><p>"Good Morning," Arthur said, looking up from his desk. He was already up and set to work.<p>

"Morning," I answered with a smile. "If you have a minute, I'd like to talk about my future."

Arthur sat back in his chair to glance up at me. "You spoke to Gwen." It was a statement, not a question.

I felt my smile disappear. "Yes," I answered and looked at the ground.

"She just needs some time to warm up to you again," Arthur tried to reassure me.

"She doesn't want me at the wedding, does she?" I asked gloomily.

Arthur didn't answer right away, he sighed and crossed his arms on his chest. "She says it's up to me. She said she won't stop me from being your friend. She just says she doesn't trust you anymore."

"So what does that mean?" I asked in distress.

"It means that you're the new Court Sorcerer," Arthur clapped my back with a large smile but I just raised an eyebrow.

"And what does that mean exactly?" I cocked my head to the side.

"Well," he hesitated, "I'm not entirely sure. I guess you protect Camelot from Magic. And you help me write all the laws that contain magic usage in them."

"Huh," I nodded thinking it over. "Does that mean I get a seat on the council?"

"Do you want one?" Arthur asked me.

"No," I responded honestly. "I'm not really one for politics."

"No," he agreed with a half smile.

"What can I do to gain Gwen's trust again?" I asked him slowly.

Arthur considered my question, "I don't know. Maybe time will heal her wounds. She's hurt."

"I know," I put my head in my hands. "And it's my fault!"

Arthur looked like he wanted to say something, searching or some way to fix it all. But when he came up empty handed, he turned and slowly walked away.

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><p>At the wedding, I smiled and danced with everyone. I watched the pure joy radiate Arthur and I felt such envy in the pit of my stomach. I watched his bride's eyes glow when she danced with her husband and I thought only of <em>her.<em>

I left early, no one noticed. I got to my room, crawled into bed and fell asleep, her face in my mind as I drifted.

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><p>Time went by in Camelot. In just a year, I helped Arthur create all the laws that stood on magic. Still, the castle was attacked now and then by magic forces, but no longer needing to hide my abilities, I fought them back easily. I saved Gwen and Arthur on many occasions, still I got little more than a polite nod from Gwen. She still didn't trust me.<p>

I had run out of ideas of how to gain her trust. I wasn't sure what else I could do. Eventually I gave up. I stopped trying to keep her friendship and she became just another person…well as much of another person as a Queen can be.

An entire year passed, and I asked Arthur for a leave. He granted it with no questions asked, but I got a suspicious raised eyebrow from Gwen. I didn't explain why I wanted to leave, I just left. On horseback, I rode through the forest. It was nice and quiet.

A little house came into my view and my heart began to pound. I kept riding towards it. Fallen trees around it from the fight came in my view, faster I urged the horse. A little pile of rock and dirt came into view, I shivered and slowed the horse, jumping down lightly.

SNAP! I whirled around to see Gwen, her foot on a twig that had snapped. She grimaced in annoyance and met my gaze. "I knew you didn't kill her. Coming to meet with some old friends are we Merlin?" my name came out like a disease in her mouth and she spat it on the forest floor.

"I came back to see her again, yeah," I nodded, holding back the water that threatened to spill over my face.

"Thought you could trick us, didn't you," she continued, "But I wasn't fooled."

Anger. Bubbling, hurting, untamable anger welled inside of her. "Gwen. Go away. I want to be alone with her. Please just leave now. I can't do this right now."

"Of course you do," Gwen stuck out her jaw. "But I'll return to Camelot. And when I tell Arthur where you are…."

She trailed off as I glared at her and her eyes betrayed terror. She took an involuntary step back.

"I'm not going to hurt you," I told her bitterly.

"No?" she said but her voice quivered. "Just kill me then? I knew I could never trust a sorcerer."

"Gwen," I practically hollered as the tears spilt over. "Can't you see I'm hurting right now?"

"What?" she began but I cut her off.

"It's been a year, one year since I killed her. One year since I held her in my arms as she took her last breath. One year since she told me she loved me. One year since I watched the light in her eyes die out. One year since the woman I loved died by my hands, in my hands, for you. For you, and Arthur, and Gaius and and and for Camelot! I killed half of myself that day!" I was screaming, holding my head in my hands, the words coming over. "I knew she had done wrong. I knew she was evil. I knew we could never be together but why was I the one that had to kill her? Because no one else could! I knew she had to die, I knew it...but it didn't make it any easier."

Gwen was standing there, jaw open and eyes wide.

"I lived because she asked me too. She told me I had to live for her," I began to slow now, my lungs begging for more air. "So I did. And for what? For one of my best friends to hate me! You have no idea, Gwen. You don't know what I've had to give up, what pain I've had to bare! You'll never be able to understand!"

I rounded the same bend so that I was at the grave, tears sliding down my face. "I'm so sorry," I told the grave that was her last bed. "I'm so sorry I couldn't save you from yourself. I'm sorry you had to die at my hand. I'm so sorry we couldn't be together."

Silence. Of to familiar and bitter silence. And then a rustle, a slight whisp of the wind and I felt a hand on my shoulder. She pulled me close to her, rocking me gently.

"It's okay Merlin," Gwen whispered to me, rocking me slowly. "Shh…it's okay."

"I-It's a-all my f-f-fault," I told her through sobs, "I sh-should have been able to s-save her!"

"No," Gwen said in my ear. "She had too much hurt and hate in her heart to be saved."

"I loved her," I admitted.

"I know," Gwen sighed. "I know."

I stretched out my hand over the grave and muttered under my breath. For a moment, nothing happened, and then a single rose grew.

"Do you think someday, in a different life, we could be together?" I asked a childish question, I knew that. But I had to ask.

"I hope so," Gwen let go of me and turned to leave. She wanted to give me time with _her_. She left me there, staring at the grave. Even after all this time, I couldn't say her name. I couldn't utter the word that meant her. I could speak the sweet syllables that made my heart glow once.

But the wind, as it tossed around me I could have sworn it whispered silently on that little hill. In my ears it whispered, _"Morgana."_

**_THE END_**

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><p><strong><em>Did you like it? <em> always manage to screw up the endings to my stories but...I like this one even if no one else does.**


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